We have gotten through the first month of my husband's official deployment. During this time we have had household appliances break, some financial surprises (some good, some not so good), some of the worst sickness my child has ever experienced while my other child and myself were also (to a much lesser degree) sick, extended family concerns, lost dog, found dog... It has seemed as if we get through one crisis only to enter into another one. Maybe the word crisis is a bit strong in reality, but emotionally it seems about right.
This has, by far, been the most difficult deployment we have ever been through in terms of things going wrong at home. If I were to meet Mr. Murphy on the street one day, I'd be prepared to share a few words with him about his little law. But then again, this is (surprisingly) one of the positives about deployments. As painful and difficult as the process is, it is the best (and in some things maybe even the only) way to bring growth. I am discovering more everyday of what I am truly capable of. I am being forced to really look at myself and my actions and to make adjustments in my attitude and way of thinking. I have been one to not just allow, but almost demand others give me directions on what and how to conduct myself in just about everything. It was the easy way out for me; the coward's way. I didn't want to have to take responsibility for anything, just in case it didn't turn out well. If I was just following "orders" and things didn't work out the way they were expected to, it wasn't really my fault. Right?
2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
I have claimed this to be my life verse for several years now. But the truth is, I haven't really lived by it. I memorized it. I realized I needed to remind myself of this verse and learn to live by it, but I never really have. It was too easy to take the coward's way, to be timid. With everything that has been happening, with having two young children to care for, while Michael has been deployed this time, I have had no choice but to finally begin to live as this verse instructs. I am a daughter of God, therefore I have a powerful, loving, disciplined spirit. I have begun to see the fruit of this spirit finally.
So while I miss my husband terribly and look forward to his return, I am thankful for this time of growth. It is painful. It is uncomfortable. At times it is downright terrifying. But it is also freeing. It is exhilarating. It is even, dare I say, joyful. Finally, after all these years, I am beginning to feel like a woman instead of just a girl. I am beginning to come out of my shell. I am stepping outside of my self imposed box. I am meeting new people. I am asking for help instead of silently suffering alone. I am truly growing. My prayer is that the growth will continue, not only for the duration of this deployment, but for the rest of my life. And I truly believe it will.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Becoming a Nudist Family
OK, so we're not really going to become nudists, but I was seriously tempted after the day we had today. All three of us (Rebecca, Haley and myself) are sick; have been for a few days now. Poor Rebecca has it the worst including a horrible cough. She gets into these coughing fits that cause her to throw up anything she's ingested recently. Add that to Haley, who spits up regularly even when she's perfectly healthy, and I have been changing someone (or everyone) all day long. That gets kind of old after a while, especially when you already have laundry that needs to be caught up on and you are continuing to watch the dirty laundry pile grow.
Of course, my biggest concern is the health of my girls. I hate seeing them sick. As I said before, Rebecca has it the worst. She has had a low grade fever for several days now, loss of appetite, cough, congestion...poor baby is so miserable. She has pockets of time when it doesn't seem to bother her too much and she's able to play for a bit, but then it hits her again and she just wants to cuddle. She even asked me if we could lay in bed and watch tv this afternoon (this coming from the kid that fights me tooth and nail and is never tired when I announce it's bedtime). Haley has the cough and congestion too but not nearly as bad. I'm still worried about her though because she is so young (and because I'm a mom and that's what us moms do best, worry about our kids).
So that is our excitement recently. It's been another challenge for me to figure out with juggling multiple kids but we are making it work. We've had lots of cuddles with all three of us on the couch, in the bed, or in the recliner (my least favorite place with three of us, or four when the dog decides he wants to join the fun as well).
Oh yes, and Haley has discovered a new sound. Unfortunately it's not a cute sound like the rasberries she discovered previously. No, this time it is a high pitched screeching noise. The discovery coincided with us all getting sick and at first I thought it was a new cry because she was in pain. Then I realized she was smiling as she made the noise. So apparently we get to enjoy this new discovery for a while until another sound is discovered to replace it. *sigh* Well, at least the one making the noise is cute, even if the noise itself is not.
Of course, my biggest concern is the health of my girls. I hate seeing them sick. As I said before, Rebecca has it the worst. She has had a low grade fever for several days now, loss of appetite, cough, congestion...poor baby is so miserable. She has pockets of time when it doesn't seem to bother her too much and she's able to play for a bit, but then it hits her again and she just wants to cuddle. She even asked me if we could lay in bed and watch tv this afternoon (this coming from the kid that fights me tooth and nail and is never tired when I announce it's bedtime). Haley has the cough and congestion too but not nearly as bad. I'm still worried about her though because she is so young (and because I'm a mom and that's what us moms do best, worry about our kids).
So that is our excitement recently. It's been another challenge for me to figure out with juggling multiple kids but we are making it work. We've had lots of cuddles with all three of us on the couch, in the bed, or in the recliner (my least favorite place with three of us, or four when the dog decides he wants to join the fun as well).
Oh yes, and Haley has discovered a new sound. Unfortunately it's not a cute sound like the rasberries she discovered previously. No, this time it is a high pitched screeching noise. The discovery coincided with us all getting sick and at first I thought it was a new cry because she was in pain. Then I realized she was smiling as she made the noise. So apparently we get to enjoy this new discovery for a while until another sound is discovered to replace it. *sigh* Well, at least the one making the noise is cute, even if the noise itself is not.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
If only I were an octopus...
"If only I were an octopus."
This thought seems to be crossing my mind quite frequently these days. It seems on a regular basis, everyone and everything needs my attention at the same time. The latest example was tonight while cooking dinner. I had just gotten off the phone with my dad, the ham and cheese rolls I had put in the oven were just about done and I needed to get the green beans prepped and cooked so Rebecca and I could sit down to eat. Right about the time I was finishing the prepping of the green beans and was starting to cook them, Rebecca has a melt down and wants to be held. Her melt down triggers a meltdown from Haley who now also wants to be held (she was previously content in her bassinet watching me work). The rolls are done, the green beans are cooking, I'm trying to finish getting the remaining ingredients and quickly finish the cooking so we can sit down to eat (as it is already much later than I had intended for us to eat), Rebecca is under my feet crying, begging for me to pick her up, Haley is in the bassinet crying, and I'm wishing I had about 4 more hands to deal with everything. Yikes! I eventually got the cooking completed and was able to sit down and get everyone calmed again and the food served.
It's times like that I really do wish I had 8 arms to help me deal with it all (as I'm sure most moms feel at times, especially those with multiple kids). It's also times like these when I especially miss having Michael's help. To find the silver lining though, these are the times that are the most revealing of so many things. It reminds me of how blessed I am to have Michael. It also reminds me (once I'm able to sit down and actually think) of how capable I can be. While those moments are far from enjoyable, in the end I was able to handle it and everyone turned out happy and content, even if it took a little longer than we all would have liked.
"Capable." That's not a word I have often associated with myself. I've often seen myself as weak and incapable of most things. I usually rely heavily on others to take care of the things I saw as being difficult (no chance to fail if someone else deals with it). This deployment is already stretching me and causing me to grow in this area though. I have surprised myself on more than one occasion already, with my ability to handle situations, problem solve, and keep us all going. I've even tapped into my handyman abilities and fixed the garbage disposal (which broke within the first week of Michael's departure) and a leaking toilet, both of which I would have just left to Michael to deal with had he been here (because I'm just not a repair person and he is an engineer after all-at least that's the excuse I would have given myself).
While I will never actually be an octopus with 8 arms to help me juggle my 2 beautiful girls, the house, errands, chores, etc., I can remind myself that I am capable and that I can handle whatever situation is thrown my way. All I have to do is take a deep breath, say a little prayer and take it one step at a time.
This thought seems to be crossing my mind quite frequently these days. It seems on a regular basis, everyone and everything needs my attention at the same time. The latest example was tonight while cooking dinner. I had just gotten off the phone with my dad, the ham and cheese rolls I had put in the oven were just about done and I needed to get the green beans prepped and cooked so Rebecca and I could sit down to eat. Right about the time I was finishing the prepping of the green beans and was starting to cook them, Rebecca has a melt down and wants to be held. Her melt down triggers a meltdown from Haley who now also wants to be held (she was previously content in her bassinet watching me work). The rolls are done, the green beans are cooking, I'm trying to finish getting the remaining ingredients and quickly finish the cooking so we can sit down to eat (as it is already much later than I had intended for us to eat), Rebecca is under my feet crying, begging for me to pick her up, Haley is in the bassinet crying, and I'm wishing I had about 4 more hands to deal with everything. Yikes! I eventually got the cooking completed and was able to sit down and get everyone calmed again and the food served.
It's times like that I really do wish I had 8 arms to help me deal with it all (as I'm sure most moms feel at times, especially those with multiple kids). It's also times like these when I especially miss having Michael's help. To find the silver lining though, these are the times that are the most revealing of so many things. It reminds me of how blessed I am to have Michael. It also reminds me (once I'm able to sit down and actually think) of how capable I can be. While those moments are far from enjoyable, in the end I was able to handle it and everyone turned out happy and content, even if it took a little longer than we all would have liked.
"Capable." That's not a word I have often associated with myself. I've often seen myself as weak and incapable of most things. I usually rely heavily on others to take care of the things I saw as being difficult (no chance to fail if someone else deals with it). This deployment is already stretching me and causing me to grow in this area though. I have surprised myself on more than one occasion already, with my ability to handle situations, problem solve, and keep us all going. I've even tapped into my handyman abilities and fixed the garbage disposal (which broke within the first week of Michael's departure) and a leaking toilet, both of which I would have just left to Michael to deal with had he been here (because I'm just not a repair person and he is an engineer after all-at least that's the excuse I would have given myself).
While I will never actually be an octopus with 8 arms to help me juggle my 2 beautiful girls, the house, errands, chores, etc., I can remind myself that I am capable and that I can handle whatever situation is thrown my way. All I have to do is take a deep breath, say a little prayer and take it one step at a time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Music and Memories
So since creating this blog, life has been a little too crazy to write. My sweet girl Rebecca had her third birthday yesterday and we headed up to South Carolina to spend some time with Grandma and Maw Maw to celebrate. Saturday night was spent packing, Sunday driving and celebrating, Monday driving and pulling my hair out, and now today some big girl fun with my sweet girl. I finally have a moment while both girls are asleep tonight to write what I've been thinking about. :)
While driving up to South Carolina, Haley slept peacefully, Rebecca played and watched movies on the iPad, and I was able to listen to music as I drove. After a while it occurred to me how many memories were flooding my mind while I drove and how different songs/genres brought up different memories. Listening to The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band made me think of my dad and driving with him in his pickup truck when I was little, singing along to the songs. Linkin Park has a way of putting into song how I have so often felt while dealing with insecurities and various internal wounds. Jars of Clay reminded me of the drive back from Florida to California. There were many other memories that flooded my mind as I drove, all connected to songs either because I had listened to them during that time or maybe just the lyrics would remind me of events/times in my life.
I am so very thankful for the gift of music in this world. It has so many healing properties. It gives us a way to express ourselves (even if we aren't the ones creating the music), a way to help work through things that may be beyond our ability to grasp on our own at the time, a way to celebrate life and the ones we love, and a way to remember.
While driving up to South Carolina, Haley slept peacefully, Rebecca played and watched movies on the iPad, and I was able to listen to music as I drove. After a while it occurred to me how many memories were flooding my mind while I drove and how different songs/genres brought up different memories. Listening to The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band made me think of my dad and driving with him in his pickup truck when I was little, singing along to the songs. Linkin Park has a way of putting into song how I have so often felt while dealing with insecurities and various internal wounds. Jars of Clay reminded me of the drive back from Florida to California. There were many other memories that flooded my mind as I drove, all connected to songs either because I had listened to them during that time or maybe just the lyrics would remind me of events/times in my life.
I am so very thankful for the gift of music in this world. It has so many healing properties. It gives us a way to express ourselves (even if we aren't the ones creating the music), a way to help work through things that may be beyond our ability to grasp on our own at the time, a way to celebrate life and the ones we love, and a way to remember.
Friday, February 3, 2012
The Experiment
So many people seem to blog these days. I've never done it and have never really been all that interested in it. Then my husband deployed again, this time leaving me home with our two young girls. I wanted a way to share our day to day lives with him (and anyone else who may be interested) without overwhelming him with all the details I wanted to share in emails or during phone calls. This also allows me an opportunity to sit down and really allow the day to sink in and process after the girls have gone to bed; sort of an online journal. I have no idea what to expect of this blog or how it will develop. I'm not even sure how linear my thoughts will be in these posts, especially in the beginning. Hopefully I can make sense at least most of the time and keep things interesting (given the subjects I have to work with, entertainment should be pretty easy to come by). And with that being said, let the experiment begin! :)
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